Listen, as a professional host over the last 2.5 years I have seen quite a lot. These are my real life rules that I've had to deal with. We are so glad that you are staying with us. Please be considerate that this is someone's actual home. If there are damages or problems with the home during your stay, please let us know immediately so we can resolve them. This is actually a home I own, so here are my rules.

If you decide to go find live farm animals, butcher them in the backyard and leave live ones for me to rehome (yes this has actually happened), I'm gonna charge you an unapproved pet fee of $100 per animal AND charge an additional full cleaning fee. We only accept dogs! NO cats! Sorry, we have too many allergies up in here.

$75 pet fee up to 2 dogs and $100 for 3 dogs. It's a great yard with 2 pet doors to the screened in porch! Any dogs not on the reservation will be charged the above pet fee.

If you leave vomit for me to clean up, first off, I'm sorry you got sick. Secondly, I'm going to charge you an additional cleaning fee, because dried vomit is nasty to clean and there are cleaning supplies under the kitchen sink. Clean that up yourself, please. Please do what you can to keep our home clean and tidy. Yes, there's a cleaning fee, but that's to do your laundry and wipe everything down. Not to scrub tons of dishes or clean up a lot of your trash everywhere. Please be respectful as you leave our home.

For safety, insurance, and in case of emergencies, we ask for the first & last names and ages of everyone staying at the property. Thank you for understanding — this helps us make sure your stay is safe and smooth!

Only the number of persons on the reservation are permitted on the property. We are totally fine for a few extra daytime visitors to stop by, but please give us a heads up that they are doing so. If you throw a party and have more than our occupancy of 7 at the house, and I have concern about our home, I will give you a warning to vacate your extra guests. If you do not, I will call the cops and cancel your reservation immediately.

This is a NO smoking property. No cigarettes, vaping, smoking weed, etc. If I have to dispose of illegal substances like marijuana or any other drugs or drug paraphernalia, I will charge an additional cleaning fee. If you smoke inside and we have to use an ozone machine to bleach the air and wash all the linens in the linen closet, then I will charge an extra cleaning fee and $100 for ozone remediation. Please do NOT SMOKE in our home.